I am not an idiot.  

J, don’t think I don’t notice your snide comments about my dyed hair, and pierced nose. and as for your Americano? It is hot water an a shot of espresso. No it is not too difficult to grasp, but I’d love it if you ordered without the “can you even handle that?” or “Is that too difficult for you to understand?” “Do you need me to repeat my order? wow? you don’t?” followed with you throwing your money on the counter and walking away.

The news story about a whale who drowned her trainer in the middle of a performance suddenly springs to mind; he grabbed her by her feet, and dragged her to the bottom and wouldn’t let go. Here’s the thing: I’m convinced that whales’ domination of our planet is hindered only by their lack of opposable thumbs. They are intelligent fucking animals, so why the needless act of murder? I don’t know for sure, but I strongely suspect it had something to do with being pandered to. Why else make such a spectacle? The whale could have done it during training, not while families were watching. Years of jumping through hoops and doing mindless tricks finally caught up to him. 

Why am I telling you this story? The point is, Do not disrespect intelligence of intelligent creatures.

But back to the Americano. 

I’m not necessarily saying I’m want to grab you by your ankles, drag you down deep ocean until you can’t breathe and demand that you question my intelligence then, but I’d be lying if I didn’t dream about taking justice the way that whale did. Just once.

Dear J,

An Americano, is actually a drink that I can handle.

-D